Posted by: Tina M | 26 August , 2010

Goal #2: Work on my book

So I didn’t want to celebrate too soon, but it’s the 2nd or 3rd time I’ve sat down and worked on transcribing entries from my journals from Antioch. I’m not sure if it’s really going to turn into anything but I always thought my journey was an interesting one. . .

As I was working today, I came across an entry that echoed with many of the feelings and worries that continue to haunt me. I can’t believe that more than 3 years have passed and I still haven’t really read through all my journals. . . so I’m happy I prioritized it as one of my 25 goals.

February 11, 2007

I also realized that yesterday slipped by without me realizing that it’s the two year anniversary of Grandma’s death. I don’t know. I don’t know how to force myself to feel anymore. I’m numb to everything so it makes it even harder to reopen those wounds. It makes me feel like a bad granddaughter – is it a copout to say that she’s with me everyday coursing through my blood so I don’t HAVE to say goodbye? It just frightens me how drastic changes can be. I am a completely different person. I really must remember to take a vacation and just read these journals. It might help make sense of the path I’ve traveled because in many ways it just feels like I woke up here. It’s hard to believe that I was thinking I would never go far away, that I would never leave my family, but in some ways family has left me. Grandma is gone and the rest of the family just plain unraveled. . . My life just has this future set before me and It’s amazing how natural it feels for me to leave everything behind. Am I trying to escape it. Am I trying to ignore the way everything I loved and held fast to has changed? How have I not thought about this? I guess I haven’t let it be real yet, just like Grandma’s death. . . Have I just been playing the role since her death? ACK! I wish I could cry for her. Shit.

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