Posted by: Tina M | 21 February , 2011

Shaking Away the Thunder Clouds

I’m looking for some change in my life. Some big transitions. . . and I’m having a hard time dreaming about what I want for my future. It’s not that I can’t imagine another job, new friends, different habits. . . but I am so shackled to the reality that I’ve settled into- that I can’t really DREAM.

And this is going to be very bad. I believe strongly in the power of positive visualization, that if you say it to God and the Universe that it sets the winds of fate into motion, gently ushering each of my steps closer to that goal. Right now each time I open my mouth to make a wish, it escapes in a squeal of pain, a complaint, a worry, or some other negativity. It’s a trap that kicks my natural overabundance of guilt and sadness into overdrive.

So, my personal life feels like it’s drying to a dense brittle, like clumps of dirt, and it’s slowly breaking away into a loose sand that will never feel like the sustenance I need. I can’t ask for the things I want because it’s connected to that dream center of the brain as well. . . I act out of fear and anxiety and that is never met well in a relationship. It’s hard to feel like an equal part of the couple when all I feel like I bring is darkness.

Everything is feeling poisoned. I’m trying to grasp to the rays of light that break through the dark clouds I shepherd with me. I just haven’t figured out a way to harness their power and hold it in me. I haven’t figured out how to warm my heart to the point where it feels healthy for a sustained period of time.

I want to let go of the fear, the anxiety. I want to shake off the loneliness that has latched on to my solitude. I want to find the hope that I once wore as my badge of honor.

I want to find myself again. Because I’m tired of feeling like a failure in my relationships, angry at the universe, and resentful of everyone who isn’t also doubled over in pain beside me.


Responses

  1. It sounds 2 me as if u may be spending 2 much time w/urself- maybe u need 2 get out & serve others in a very concrete& physical way- such as working in a soup kitchen, helping parks clean trash, hand out stuff @ a shelter, etc.. yes, i no u r busy, but in that business u have lost contact w/ the servant in u. Ur world is busy revolving around u (as we all tend 2 do) & we lose the ability 2 c beyond us. I believe we all lose the spark when we stop serving others. I also believe that we need 2 serve others or we end up being half the person we r ment 2 be. I also wish u would get connected w/other believers who can help u.

  2. Tina, my dear friend, my heart is with you. May you find the land of dreams again, and may it be filled with hopes and possibility. Mucho besos.


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